Domestic Violence: Why They Stay
- diaryofafloppingfi
- May 3, 2024
- 10 min read
A Review of the abusive tactics used to keep domestic violence victims trapped by their abusers.
A Taxi Ride
I just had a fun conversation with a taxi driver. It wasn’t fun in the way that everyone would think was fun, but I feel good getting a lot off my chest. I don’t know how we got on the subject of domestic violence, but we did. He told me about someone he cares a lot about who was in an abusive relationship. Well, they got her out and after she was free and safe, she went “right back” to her abuser. He wondered the same thing that everyone in that situation does: why?
The truth is that the people who are doing bad things are very good at it. We can’t be too hard on ourselves for “falling for it” because, frankly, they lied to us, and we didn’t find out until we were trapped. We get trapped emotionally, financially, and sometimes even physically. Statistics show that most victims of domestic violence end up going back to their abuser. The answer to that lies in our brain, and their use of tactics that are meant to manipulate our perfectly healthy and normal emotions.
The same tactics used by abusers are used by cult leaders and gangs to keep good people obedient and trapped. However, like most things, their power only has that power that you grant them. No, I don’t mean that at times there is not real danger, but it is possible to break free and get away safely. Sometimes, you will get help, and other times you’re on your own. Regardless of which way, once a person is out from under the control of an abusive relationship, they need to make staying out of it their top priority. Familiarizing yourself with manipulative tactics is only part of the battle. As most who have been subject to narcissistic style abuse can attest to, deprogramming the psychological damage is another battle on its’ own.
Understanding DARVO
DARVO is an acronym for the road map abusers use to gain control over their victims and stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, Offend (Wakefield, 2020). It is a method that involves gaining their trust and first implementing psychological control, which many times escalates to physical violence.
When bringing up bad behavior to an abuser, no matter how small, they will follow this roadmap of torture. It will escalate to the point where the victim (the real victim) is walking on eggshells all the time to avoid setting off this chain reaction from their abuser. However, there is no avoiding conflict with this person because they feed on conflict. Conflict makes them feel big and strong so when they get emotionally hungry, they will create more conflict to feed on.
There are many other great resources that I have cited below that will explain DARVO in detail. I encourage readers to check out those resources or find others because I do not want to get wrapped up in explaining something that has already been said a million times. The definition of darvo does not entirely explain why it is that victims stay in abusive relationships. It does explain how people get sucked into one, and it is important to point out the psychological damage that it causes. Some of the other reasons that victims stay are more mundane, and some are far more complicated.
Financial Abuse
We have all seen relationships where one partner works and the other just stays home to maybe take care of kids or sometimes just the house. This style used to be the fabric of America, as well as many other countries, but when women got the opportunity to work, and even serve in branches of the military in WWII they got a taste of purpose and financial freedom while proving they could do “men’s work” and did not want to go “back to the kitchen” after the war was won (History at a Glance).
The fight for women’s rights has been ongoing since the beginning of time and will continue long after everyone alive today is dead. Still there is a facet of American society that wants to reinstate the old idea of women only working inside of the home, and not having financial freedom. This idea on its own is not abuse if it is the woman’s choice to be a homemaker. Unfortunately, it is also a tactic of abuse to force a woman to be a homemaker, and not give her any financial control, or an “allowance” that is too small to make any big moves like moving out with.
With that said, of course I’m going to bring up this form of financial abuse first because it is the most obvious, but men are also financially abused in abusive relationships. Abusive relationships are not limited to being perpetrated by men, but there are many abusers who are women and, even worse, they get away with it by pinning it on the man in a very “Gone Girl” style.
We have all met someone who completely supports their partner, while their partner abuses them in some way at the same time. This is a situation that can be a man or woman who has good, full-time job who comes home every day to get verbally and maybe physically abused their non-working partner. We have wondered why, if the partner being abused has all the money already, are they sticking around for that kind of treatment?
Financial abuse is one person controlling another by way of controlling their financial resources, or lack of resources(Gillette, 2022). All types of relationships can be subject to financial abuse, and all genders can be the victims or perpetrators of it. You can be financially abused by one or both of your parents, any type of family member, a friend, a romantic partner, and even your boss.
Financial abuse can include:
Taking your paycheck
Withholding access to the bank account where your finances or household finances are stored
Opening lines of credit in your name without your consent or by coercion.
Guilting you into paying their personal bills or giving them money
Forcing you to put bills in your name
Preventing your employment either by refusing to let you get a job, trying to get you fired, or by other means.
Stealing your valuables.
There are many behaviors and tactics that may be employed in order to get a victim under their financial control. The ultimate goal of financial abuse is to prevent a person from having the means to improve their situation, and using any resources the victim may have. In my opinion, while using the DARVO tactic may gain initial control over a victim, financial abuse is the backbone that allows the abuser to take and maintain complete control.
No Support System
One of the tactics used by abusers is to isolate them from anyone who may be able to help them. They will use any tactic available to them in order to do this. Sometimes it starts by casual mentions about their partner’s family not being supportive, leading to blowing out of proportion any instance of disfunction.
In addition to acting like a demented Jiminy Cricket whispering lies into the victims ear, they also go and do that to the victim’s support system, and anyone else they talk to. They destroy the victim’s reputation so that when the victim tries to go to their support system for help in escaping the abuse, they are confronted with accusations that they are the problem, and they are lying about their abuse accusations or home situation (Flannery, 2020).
A common phrase for third parties who come after the victim because the abuser lied to them (often time some very fantastic stories), manipulated them, and convinced them the victim was the problem is “Flying Monkeys”. This phrase comes from the Wizard of Oz’s henchmen who go after Dorothy at the bidding of the Wicked Witch because the Wicked Witch cannot get to them.
A victim can take out a restraining order against their abuser but cannot predict the people who come out of the woodwork to perpetuate the abuse, lies, and manipulation even years after the victim has long been seperated from their abuser. The next time that you’re thinking about getting involved in someone’s relationship by yelling at their “cheating manipulative ex-gf” or go beat up someone’s ex “stalker boyfriend” please stop, check yourself, and mind your business because odds are you’re being used to perpetuate abuse.
In addition to ruining your reputation, there are many more tacitics used to isolate a victim from any potential support system. When begining a relationship of any kind it is best to keep any eye out for the appearance of any of the tactics listed below and act accordingly. Setting healthy boundaries is very important to personal growth, security, and confidence (Pace, 2023). Abusers know that as well, and will do anything they can to prevent their victims from have any kind of boundary. They want full access to their victims, and total control.
Signs of domestic violence isolation:
Your partner says you spend too much time with your support network.
Your partner wants to move away where you don’t know anyone.
Your phone, computer, etc. are being monitored by them.
They accuse you of cheating with your friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.
You hear from other people that they said you did something that never happened.
They talk badly about your support system to you.
Belittling your confidence, interests, hobbies, and any other social behavior you may have.
Retaliation
The fear of retaliation can keep a person in an abusive relationship or make them return to an abusive relationship. If someone is worried about retaliation, we need to take them seriously because if their abusers were crazy enough to systematically destroy their self-esteem, sense of self, support system, body, and finances you better believe they are crazy enough to come after their victims once they leave. Every single threat needs to be taken seriously. One of the biggest ways that we, as a society, let victims of abuse down is not protecting them from abuse.
If it isn’t enough that the law, and people in their support network often don’t take victims seriously, but the abuser will also employ flying monkeys to get around any restraining order, blocked accounts and numbers, or security guards. It is important to mention that restraining orders are just pieces of paper and many times having the restraining order causes the abuser to escalate, and many people have been killed by their abuser after escaping from them. So, while there may be a “fear” of retaliation, there is also a highly likely chance of violent retaliation. According to this article 77% of domestic violence related murders happen when the victim is trying to leave, and 75% of abusers escalate their violence for two years after the victim leaves (bwss.org).
Abusers will also threaten and retaliate on anyone who the victim is close to in order to get them to return (ncadv.org). In many cases victims have to leave their abuser with their pets and those pets are used as ransom to force them to return. If they don’t return the pet may very likely be killed, and if they aren’t then the victim still has to go through a lengthy legal process in order to get the pet legally returned to them.
Victims’ families and children can be threatened. Children are also kidnapped by the abusive parent. A victim of domestic violence may leave an abusive relationship, but they will spend the rest of their life looking over their shoulders, locking down their social media accounts, and struggling to form close relationships.
Stockholm Syndrome
Stockholm syndrom is a condition where a victim feels sympathy and bond with their captor/abuser. It applies to many different situation including kidnapping, hostage situations, and is also experienced by victims of domestic abuse.
The name comes from a bank robbery in Stockholm, Germany in 1973. Bankrobbers held people hostage for 6 days, and after set free, the hostages felt and demonstrated empathy towards their captors. Some victims refused to testity and also raised money for the defense of the bank robbers (Stockholm Syndrome).
Many victims of domestic violence demonstrate the traits of stockholm syndrome towards their abuser. This leads them to stay in the relationship, return to the relationship, and not seek help in any form in regards to the abusive relationships.
Symptoms of stockholm syndrome include:
Minimizing abuse.
Sympathy for the abuser.
Not wanting authorities to intervene.
Focusing on taking care of their abusers needs
Empathizing with the abusive
Rationalizing abusive behavior
It is really hard to help someone who refuses help, and people suffering from this condition make it impossible. At times those suffering from stockholm syndrome can even join in with the abuser on abusing others.
Conclusion
While there are many reasons a victim may choose to stay or return to an abusive relationship, the story does not always look the same. It is important to keep in mind that domestic violence can happen in all sorts of relationships and to any gender or age. As a society we need to do more to support people who are in abusive situations and make it easier for them to escape and stay safe. It begins with remembering that we all have a voice, and a silent voice has an impact as well. Write your senators, representatives, governors and demand that they create laws to protect victims and punish their abusers. Consider that many who are commiting the abuse are likely sociopaths and cannot be reformed. Consider that in order to get a protective order or create a police report one has to provide their address and this information is accessible to the people who are threatening their safety. If we want to make the world a better a place then we need to start by protecting those who cannot defend themselves.
I know that this has been a long article, and for some it has probably been triggering. Let’s start the conversation and leave a comment below with your thoughts, experiences, suggestions. I would love to hear anything you would like to share as long it is respectful and not loaded with profanity.
References
Pace, R. (2023, August 7). Signs and effects of domestic violence isolation. Marriage Advice – Expert Marriage Tips & Advice. https://www.marriage.com/advice/domestic-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence-isolation/#What_are_the_signs_of_isolation_in_an_abusive_relationship
Flannery, S. (2023, August 11). When an abuser controls the story. DomesticShelters.org. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/when-an-abuser-controls-the-story
Pace, R. (2023b, August 7). Signs and effects of domestic violence isolation. Marriage Advice – Expert Marriage Tips & Advice. https://www.marriage.com/advice/domestic-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence-isolation/#What_are_the_signs_of_isolation_in_an_abusive_relationship
DomesticShelters.org. (2023, August 11). Will my abuser retaliate? https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/protection-orders/will-my-abuser-retaliate
Communications. (2020, June 11). Eighteen Months After Leaving Domestic Violence is Still the Most Dangerous Time. BWSS. https://www.bwss.org/eighteen-months-after-leaving-domestic-violence-is-still-the-most-dangerous-time/
Professional, C. C. M. (n.d.). Stockholm Syndrome. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22387-stockholm-syndrome
Administrator. (2015, July 9). Stockholm Syndrome in battered Women – Criminal Justice – IResearchNet. Criminal Justice. https://criminal-justice.iresearchnet.com/types-of-crime/domestic-violence/stockholm-syndrome-in-battered-women/
Gillette, H. (2022, November 1). What is financial abuse? Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/financial-abuse
National Network to End Domestic Violence. (2024, March 25). Learn more about Financial Abuse. NNEDV. https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/
DomesticShelters.org. (2023a, August 11). Forbidden food. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/true-survivor-stories/forbidden-food
Disclaimer
The Diary Of A Flopping Fish and any posts or articles published on Diaryofafloppingfish.com are not reviewed by a therapist or medical or mental health professional. Resources are cited and opinion is opinion. No advice or opinions in any articles replace professional advice from a doctor, therapist, or any other kind of health professional. The author is not a licensed professional of any kind.
Comments